I recently read Maria Montessori's The Secret of Childhood. The book is written for parents and teachers, neither of which I am, but I read it because I had a hypothesis that our emotions never really mature, only our expressions of them change. The executive who explodes in meetings is the same child who threw tantrums; he just found a more socially acceptable outlet. So to understand adults, I sought to understand children.

Montessori writes, "The child is the builder of man." Children don't need constant direction; they need space and freedom to express what's already unfolding inside them. How our natural urges were supported or suppressed becomes the blueprint we carry forward. Emotionally, the 40-year-old is the accumulation of habits, defenses, and patterns developed at 4 years old.

This means truly knowing someone requires understanding what shaped them as a child. When I want to know someone deeply now, my questions center around what they felt was missing in childhood. Adults will tell you who they think they are, but childhood will tell you why.